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Self-Serving/Transcript
Cheese Customer: Do you carry cheese? Brent Leroy: Yeah, it's in the dairy cooler. Cheese Customer: What kinds do you have? Brent: We got all five. Cheese Customer: Five? There are more than five kinds of cheese. There are hundreds. Brent: Ha, ha, hundreds. There are five. Cheddar, Swiss, Motza, Parmesan and Whiz. Cheese Customer: Whiz? Brent: Cheese Whiz. Where are you from? Cheese Customer: That's not a type, it's a brand. Brent: Kraft is the brand, Whiz is the type. Cheese Customer: Whiz is the brand, Kraft is the company, spreadable is the type. Brent: Kraft is the maker, Whiz is the cheese and spreadable is just an added benefit. Cheese Customer: You don't know a lot about cheese, do you? Brent: I know is was kept in a cooler. Brent: Are you stuck in traffic? Lacey Burrows: Do you think you could do this? Brent: I think I can, I think I can. Lacey: You know, the "Little Train That Could" actually did. It wouldn't have been much of a story if he didn't. Brent: Well, I have a post-modern take on it. Lacey: Oh, Brent, I just want some gas. Brent: Well, help yourself. Lacey: Will you charge me less? Brent: No. Hanging out with me is part of the service. Like, this delightful banter that we're having now. Lacey: Well, how about you offer self-serve for a lower price with no banter at all. Brent: But, then people wouldn't get to enjoy my wit. Lacey: There are a lot of people who don't enjoy your wit. Hank Yarbo: Hey guys, I'm selling my old laptop. You wanna buy it? Emma Leroy: Ah, no thanks, Hank. Oscar Leroy: I could use a solitaire machine. How much do you want for it? Hank: Ah, 50 bucks. Oscar: Maybe I will buy it. It will save me on having to buy new decks of cards. Emma: Oh, that should pay for itself in about a 110 years. And here I thought you wanted it for a stupid reason. Hank: So? Emma: He's not buying it. Oscar, tell him you're not buying it. Oscar: I'm not buying it. I'll buy it. I'll meet you later. Karen Pelly: Wow. Ever since the Weekly World News went bankrupt, the Howler has become such a rag. I mean, come on, "Sasquatch Spotted in Rehab?" Wanda Dollard: Bet is takes a lot of booze to get Sasquatch drunk. Karen: It goes on to say that Sasquatch is going to China to adopt a baby after he gets cleaned up. Wanda: You see, that's a dying art. Starting a believable rumour. You have to have fake sources, you have to have a plausible premise. Karen: Let me guess, you're an expert on it? Wanda: Well, in high school I was known as the rumour queen. Karen: You always claim you're the best at something. Wanda: I didn't say I was the best. I said I was the queen. But I was the best. Karen: Fine. You are the best at spreading rumours. No one in Dog River, no, too small, no one in Saskatchewan is better than you at spreading rumours. Wanda: I'm sensing sarcasm. Karen: Oh, well I bet in high school you were the best at sensing sarcasm. Wanda: Well, I don't want to brag but yeah, I was. Davis Quinton: Hey, I hear you're selling your old laptop. Hank: Not anymore, I got a buyer. Davis: Ah, that's too bad, I'm looking for one. Oh well, that's the way the cookie crumbles. Or in this case, the way the laptop gets sold to someone else. Hank: Yeah, I love that expression. Davis: Oh well, it's just as well. I guess I'll take that 150 bucks and start saving for a new one. Hank: Oh, 150? Oh, for the laptop. I thought you said lap, lap dog. Ahem, yeah, I might be able to help you out. Wanda: Hey, did you hear this rumour going around that Karen got a really low score on her police IQ test? Helen Jensen: Uh, that doesn't sound true. Wanda: It is though. Helen: Well, I find it hard to believe. Wanda: Really? Helen: Well, maybe if I was in high school or something I'd believe it. Wanda: I think it sounds pretty plausible. Helen: See ya, Wanda. Wanda: Emma told me. Helen: Emma said it? Wanda: Yeah. Helen: Maybe it is true. Wanda: Yeah. All hail the rumour queen. Helen: What? Wanda: Nothing. I forgot how slow you move. Helen: What? Wanda: Nothing. Davis: All right, self-serve! I'll do that, and it's less. Brent: Well, it is but then you don't get to hang out with me and get all the benefits... Brent: I don't know about this self-serve thing, it doesn't feel right. Lacey: Hmm, what's the problem? Finding out that people don't mind paying less to not hang out with you? Brent: If self-serve is so great, why don't you offer self-serve? Lacey: Like a buffet? Brent: I was thinking smorg but you want to use a 35 cent word, fine. Lacey: Hmm, buffets are not the real restaurant experience. Brent: Sounds like you're worried that people won't mind paying a little less to not hang out with you. Lacey: Pfft. All right, fine. Buffet it is. Brent: Call it a smorg. Buffet is a little, je ne sais quoi. Hank: Hey, Davis around? Karen: No, I think he's gassing up the police car. Hank: Oh, could I leave a message for him? Karen: Sure. Hank: "Give Hank a call." Karen: OK. Hank: Maybe you should write that down. Karen: What, do you think I'm an idiot? Hank: Well, that's what your police IQ test says. Karen: What? Hank: That's what Emma says. Karen: Emma says? Hank: Wow, you are slow on the uptake. Oscar: What the hell is this? Brent: It's a self-serve option I'm offering. Oscar: You're a jackass. Brent: What's wrong with self-service? Oscar: I don't have to talk to you and I pay less? Heh, heh, heh, heh. It's perfect. Brent: So then why am I a jackass? Oscar: I don't know, you get it from your mother. And stop talking to me, I'm doing some self-serve, jackass. Karen: Wanda. Wanda: Oh, Karen. Hi. Karen: Have you seen Emma? Wanda: Emma? Not in a while. Karen: She's spreading rumours about me. Why would she do that? Wanda: Oh, the dumb thing. I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it. Karen: I'm gonna talk to her and clear the air. Wanda: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I uh, I wouldn't do that. You know, talk to her directly. It's one of those things that sounds good, you know, like "let's clear the air", "let's get to the bottom of this, find out what really happened." You know, but in practice, not really effective. Karen: I'm gonna talk to her anyway. Wanda: Or, we could fight fire with fire. Karen: Start a rumour about her? Wanda: You know, I'd be happy to help. Davis: Hmm, I don't know what to have. Lacey: Well, I don't even want to mention this, but I'm, I'm offering a buffet service on a trial period. Davis: Serve myself? Like a smorg? Lacey: I mean, it'll never be as good as something made to order. And, of course, there would be less interactions with me and... Helen: That doesn't sound like something Emma would do. Wanda: I know, I know, but you can never really tell who's an arsonist and who isn't. Helen: And she was arrested for this? Wanda: Oh, yeah, years ago, but yeah. Karen told me. Hank: Ah, hey Oscar. Oscar: Where's the laptop? Hank: Look, I, I can't sell it to you anymore. I got a better offer from Davis, so... Oscar: You said you'd sell that laptop to me. Oh, I get it. Rip off a senior. Emma: You're not buying that laptop from Hank. Oscar: Yeah, I know. He's selling it to Davis. Hank: Yeah, so, you know, you don't have to burn down my house. Emma: What do you mean by that? Hank: Nothing. I just don't want you to get angry and set something on fire. Emma: What? Hank: Karen said you were arrested for arson. Emma: That's not true. Oscar: It explains a lot. Emma: On nights like this I wish we had a fireplace. Oscar: Yeah, a fire would be real nice, wouldn't it? Emma: Why are you saying I was arrested for arson? Karen: Why are you telling people I failed my IQ test? Emma: I didn't say that. I'm surprised at you. Not surprised you failed your IQ test but surprised you'd think I'd go around spreading rumours. Karen: Wanda. Hank: Look, don't try to talk me out of it or threaten me. I've made up my mind. I need the money. Oscar: Sure, rip me off. What the hell. Hank: Yeah, it's just business. Oscar: I was just gonna use it to play some solitaire in my dying days. But, whatever. Hank: Look Oscar, I'm sorry. It's just, you know. Oscar: Oh, I know I could play with regular cards but arthritis, isn't too bad, yet. Hank: All right, I'll sell you the computer. Oscar: Oh, don't do me any favours. Hank: At the original price. Oscar: Sold. Oscar: I hear you're looking to buy a laptop. Wanda: Look, it just got outta hand. I was only trying to show certain people that I am the rumour queen. No harm done. Emma: People think I'm an arsonist. Wanda: I know. I told Karen to fight fire with fire so I guess fire was on my mind. Karen: So, why'd you say that I was dumb? Wanda: Just, just a random thing. Let me fix this, I can fix this. I am the rumour queen. Wanda: Did you hear the rumour that Karen and Emma rescued a puppy? A puppy that was dying. They rescued it. Lacey: Well, thanks for sharing that. Wanda: So, are you gonna tell people? Lacey: Maybe. Wanda: Aren't you a little busy to be reading a book? Lacey: It's the buffet. I have all this free time now. People love it and I don't have to serve anything. Wanda: Oh, well, maybe while I'm here I'll order some lunch. Lacey: Just have the buffet. It's fun. Oscar: You're gonna love this. You can put it on the top of your lap. Or on the floor. Sometimes, people call them floor-top computers. Davis: I hope it's OK. Oscar: Oh yeah, these babies can take a licking and keep on ticking. Davis: Oh, Timex makes computers? Cool. It's not working. Oscar: Cheque's fine. Just make it out to Oscar Leroy. Davis: It's not even a Timex. I'm not buying this. Oscar: You drive a hard bargain. 125. Brent: You guys did the self-serve? Dwight (Ignoring Brent Customer 1): Yeah. Brent: Sounds like something fun happened. Phil Mallett (Ignoring Brent Customer 2): You sorta had to be there. At the pumps. Brent: Oh, right. Well, nice weather we're having. Dwight: Some change. Brent: Yeah, it was kinda overcast but now it's looking pretty sunny. Dwight: No, you owe me some change. Brent: Oh, right. Hank: Oh, hey Oscar. How's the computer working? Oscar: Oh, great. But I have to say, I'm feeling guilty. Hank: Oh, that's OK. You didn't know your wife was an arsonist. All marriages have their secrets, right? I was watching Jerry Springer and this guy found out his wife, was a guy. Oscar: No, I mean the computer. Hank: Oh. Oscar: I bullied you into selling it to me. Here, give me my money back and I'll give you the computer and you can do whatever you want with it. Hank: Really? Thanks. Oscar: No problem, sucker. Hank: Hmm, what did you say? Brent: So, are you guys gonna get Wanda back? Karen: I want to but you Mom thinks we should give Wanda a chance to fix it. Emma: Wanda's started a rumour that puts us in a more positive light. Davis: Hey look, it's pyro and the idiot. Karen: That's not funny. Brent: Pyro and the Idiot. Hey, that'd be a good sitcom. Announcer: It's Pyro and the Idiot. Karen: Hey, Pyro. I think there's something wrong with those instructions you gave me for that Molotov cocktail. Emma: Why do you say that, Idiot? Karen: Well, it didn't taste very good. Emma: Oh, Idiot. You're such an idiot. Brent: It's like Firebug and the Moron but I'd still watch it. Davis: Karen is such an idiot. Lacey: Hey Brent, I just wanted to say thank you for suggesting the buffet. Brent: Not a problem. Lacey: You know, it's strange. Now that I'm not taking their orders I actually get to interact with my customers even more. How's the self-serve going? Brent: Oh, good. You know, the same. It frees me up. Lacey: Well, I'm glad it's working out for both of us. Brent: Hey, can I get some ketchup? Lacey: It's in the fridge. Geez, it's like I'm talking to Karen all of a sudden. Karen: Hey, I heard that. Lacey: Wow, and you understood it too. Karen: That is harsh. Lacey: I have time for insults now. Brent: Yeah, sorry. The numbers weren't working out so I had to bump up the self-serve price. Self-Serve Customer: That's OK, I'll still do self-serve. Brent: Well, you know what? Actually, I just remembered, self-serve and full serve are the same price right now. This crazy economy with the oil and war in Arabia. So, shall I... Self-Serve Customer: I got it. Karen: I don't think your plan is working. People still think I'm an idiot. Wanda: Well, these things take a little time. Emma: Oh, hey Hank. Have you heard any rumours about me or Karen? Hank: Yeah, I heard that Karen rescued a puppy. Wanda: There you go. Emma: Just Karen? Hank: She rescued it from you. You were gonna set it on fire. Karen: And I rescued it. So, I'm good. Hank: And then they gave the puppy an IQ test, scored higher than Karen. Wanda: So, all good? Hank: So, here's your computer. Davis: Oscar already tried to sell me that one. It doesn't work. Hank: No, it works. Wait, Oscar already tried to sell it to you? Davis: Yeah, 'cause he thought I was Karen or something. Karen: Davis, please give it a rest. Davis: Different Karen. Hank: Oscar. Oscar: Hey, sucker Hank. Hank: What are you, what are you talking about? Oscar: Sell the computer to Davis yet? Hank: No, I, I decided not to. I um, started using it again at home and I realized that it's such a good machine, I shouldn't sell it. Oscar: It's working OK? Hank: Oh yeah, great. Battery needed a little charging but other than that... Oscar: Terrific. I, I just thought you were gonna sell it to Davis. I mean, you said you were going to sell it to Davis. That's why I sold it back. Now you're not gonna sell it to Davis but that's the reason I sold it back to you. Hank: Yeah, I guess. Oscar: All right. I can live with it... Hank: Well, it's just such a good computer, I wouldn't mind a little more for it. Oscar: Hundred sound OK? Hank: Yeah. Lacey: You guys gonna have the buffet, right? Karen: I was thinking of ordering off the menu. Lacey: Ah, just have the buffet, it's great. I'll be by to check on you later. Emma: That's kind of annoying. Karen: Yeah, she doesn't seem to care. Wanda: Yes I do. I care. Karen: We weren't talking about you. Wanda: Ha, ha, sure you weren't. And you weren't planning your revenge either. I see what's going on here. I'm not an idiot. Karen: Neither am I. Wanda: You two were going to spread some crappy rumour about me. Emma: Get over yourself. Wanda: It won't work. I'm the rumour queen and I'm watching you. Fitzy Fitzgerald: Lacey, can I get some more coffee? Lacey: Coffee's on the buffet. Fitzy: The buffet is out of coffee. Lacey: The filters are in the cupboard, the coffee's over there. Eight scoops, fill the water to the line. Thanks. Oh! Wanda, you snuck up on me there. Wanda: Is that what Karen and Emma are saying? Are they saying I'm sneaky, is that it? Lacey: No, they didn't say anything. Except for they really like the buffet. Wanda: Is that all they say? Or did they say anything about me got cheating in college or Hank and I had a love child or anything like that. Lacey: That never came up. Hank's not the father of your son, right? Wanda: Aw! Brent: It's a beautiful day, check the oil? Sure, no problem. And uh, check the wiper fluid too please. Sure thing, partner. Emma: So, we're not going to do anything about Wanda. Helen: Well, that makes sense. Emma: I should get going. Wanda: What did she say? Anything about me and Hank or me cheating? No, anything? Tell me, tell me! Helen: You're scaring me. Brent: What do you want? Lacey: Fill it up, please. Full service. Brent: Really? Lacey: Yep. Brent: Awesome! You just watch how full this service is! Oscar: I got the computer for you. Davis: Looks like the one you tried to sell me before. Oscar: It is. Hank got it working, the sucker. And now I'm going to sell it to you and make a profit. There's a sucker born every minute. Davis: Show it to me. Oscar: Sure. Davis: Doesn't seem to be working. Oscar: Hank said it was. Davis: Did you get him to show it to you? Oscar: No. Davis: Sucker. Brent: Hey, thanks again for letting me put gas in your car. Lacey: Ah, no problem. Hey everyone, could I have your attention? Brent: No, that's OK. You don't have to do anything more. Lacey: No, no, I want to. I just wanna say that the service, the full service, at Corner Gas is great. And I think you should all take advantage of it. Especially because it's such a great deal. OK? Buffet Sucks Customer: We want service here. Lacey: Well, you don't need service here. You've got the buffet. Buffet Sucks Customer: The buffet sucks. Lacey: No, no. No, no, everyone. The buffet does not suck. Buffet Sucks Customer: Buffet sucks. All: Buffet sucks! Buffet sucks! Buffet sucks! Buffet sucks! Brent: Buffet sucks! Buffet sucks! I mean, thanks again for helping me. Oscar: Hey, you ripped me off! Hank: What, how could I? I'm a sucker. Oscar: I'll call the cops. Hank: Be my guest. Hey, Davis. Davis: Well, hello. Is there a problem here? Oscar: Hank swindled me. Arrest him. Davis: Is this true? Hank: Why, yes it is. And what are you gonna do about it? Davis: Well, I guess I could get that 25 bucks you owe me for helping you swindle Oscar into buying a broken computer. Hank: Oh. Oscar: What the hell is going on? Davis: We rehearsed that. Pretty good, huh? Hank: Ha, ha. Oscar: Well, are you going to arrest him or... Lacey: OK then, two lunch specials then. And just because the buffet is gone doesn't mean we can't spend some quality time together. Emma: You should get that order in. Lacey: Right. Wanda: I know what you're doing. Fitzy: Hey, Wanda. I hear you're a plagiarist and that your son's Hank's love child. Hank: Ha, she wishes. What's a, what's a plagiarist? You got a bunch of husbands or something? Wanda: That isn't a real rumour. Fitzy: Well, it's going around. I think Karen and Emma started it. Hank: Good job, guys. Great rumour. Lacey: Yeah, the one about Wanda? I heard that too. Wanda: You heard it from me. I started it. Lacey: Nah, nah. Don't try taking credit for Karen and Emma's rumour. Hank: Man, you guys are like the rumour queens. Category:Transcripts